I feel great
I just peed on a car
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
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Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
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And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
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