I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
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I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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