dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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