Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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