he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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