I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
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We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
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I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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