Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i think i have two assholes
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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