so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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