You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize