My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
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I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
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If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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