Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
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you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
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btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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