I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
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I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
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Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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