She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
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I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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