ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You made out with two different species that night
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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