I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize