Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I want her autograph on my taint
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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