I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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