HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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