I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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