He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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