That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
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Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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