He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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