were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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