Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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