Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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