he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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