She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
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Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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