if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
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he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
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If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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