My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize