I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
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ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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