i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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