I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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