If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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