I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
time to smoke my breakfast
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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