Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be right there i have to get my cape
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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