God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I checked into jail on foursquare
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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