I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
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He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
They are going to name an STD after you.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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