i'm signing you up for texting rehab
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
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I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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