right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His hands were made for my vagina.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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