Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
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Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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