I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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