My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize