Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
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When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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