Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
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The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
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Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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