I will die if light touches me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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