I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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