If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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