why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
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I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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