No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize