How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
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I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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